Updates every Thursday!

Thursday, May 16, 2013


Dear Ten Minute Game Review Readers,

I apologize for the lack of a review last week and the lack of a review this week. I also apologize in advance for the lack of reviews for next week and the week after that. I have been rather busy with a variety of other things in my life (such as moving and vacation) so I will try to get back to reviewing as soon as possible, but at present that looks to be June 6th. If I get the chance I will post something earlier, but that will depend on timing.

Until then, check out this game and tell me what you think about it. I didn't time the proper ten minutes for it, but that's because I died on the first turn, because apparently I suck. And this game seems to like to reiterate that fact to me every time I attempt it. My understanding is that it is beatable and that it is, in fact very easy, but apparently those are people who have been stranded on an alien planet for 40 days in real life and therefore have that experience to draw upon.

Eat the dog,



Thursday, May 2, 2013

Starcraft 2: Heart of the Swarm

Genre: RTS

Developer: Blizzard Entertainment

Publisher: Blizzard Entertainment

System: Windows, Mac

Startcraft 2: Heart of the Swarm is the sequel and expansion set to Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty. It is a science fiction/Real Time Strategy game and if you have played an RTS before (i.e. Warcraft, Command and Conquer, or, and especially in this case, Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty) then you probably have a pretty good idea of how these games work. There will be no hand-holding when it comes to game play in this particular review.

I will instead focus on the plot or, more specifically, the arc of action within the allotted play time. I have a fundamental problem with how this story is told. Here is my angst:

Lieutenant Sarah Kerrigan (Terran), formerly the Queen of Blades (Zerg), formerly formerly Lieutenant Kerrigan (Terran), has recently been rescued and transported to a secret military research base by her old boyfriend Jim Raynor and has been slowly having her humanity restored. Logically, they keep her in a containment cell, because back when she was the Queen of Blades and controlled the Zerg (straight up Aliens-style aliens) she had this tendency to sort of tell them to eat Terrans (humans from Earth).

Now, it is important to point out that Kerrigan is psychotic. Meaning she has psychic powers. Don’t question my words. This is important because she clearly does not like being kept in this containment cell, which makes me wonder why she hasn’t just mind-controlled people to let her out? I mean, if she’s powerful enough to control the entire Zerg swarm then she should be able to easily psych the moron standing guard outside her cell and be all sorts of out of there in less time than it took me to write this. But I’m willing to suspend my disbelief. I mean, I have already accepted aliens and psychic powers and robots and intergalactic space travel so I can let that slide. Plus, she clearly likes Jim so I guess we can argue that she’s behaving so she can stay near him and she is regaining her humanity or something like that. Eww, love, gross.

But then there’s my real issue. The guy controlling the facility (some stupid prince or something) releases a bunch of Zerglings (small Zergs. Like puppies with massive claws and an exoskeleton) and is all like, “Hey, Kerrigan. I want you to try and control these Zerg with your mind powers.” Hold on. What? How in the hell is that a good idea? I mean, who died and made him prince? Even Kerrigan is like, “dude, that’s a stupid idea and now I’m gonna make you pay for it.” And then she does, because he made a totally stupid call. It’s at this point that I can no longer buy this plot. It just doesn’t make sense. Who does that? Apparently this guy does that. You can tell he wasn’t an elected official. Only a royal, inbred, idiot would not think ahead on this one. Disbelief fully unsuspended.

Happy Thoughts: The game is a lot like the previous one in terms of play so that was fun. It’s nice to return to familiar ground.

Sad Thoughts: Prince what’s-his-name is known for his looks, not his smarts. Zerglings are how I imagine my dog would look like inside out.

The Bottom Line: Hell, I dunno. Did you like the previous Starcraft games? If yes, you’ll probably like this one. If no, don’t play it. If you haven’t played any of the previous games then move out from under that rock and back into your parents’ basement. The original Starcraft came out in like 1998. Where the hell have you been?