Spelunky

Genre: Indie, Platformer

Developer: Mossmouth

Publisher: Mossmouth

System: Windows, XBLA

Written by Matt Sears

EJ Marceaux contributed to this review.

Spelunky is a long-running indie arcade platformer. The first release was all the way back in 2009 and that version can still be acquired for the attractive price of absolutely free by heading to Derek Yu’s Mossmouth (he’s the creator). But what I’M reviewing is the beautifully-regraphicked and gameplay-expanded version that was released on the XBLA last year and on Steam for PC exactly a week ago.

The most important thing to me when I’m reviewing a game in 10 minutes is that I give it nothing short of the fairest and most accurate shake. In pursuit of that goal, I don’t start my timer until I enter the actual game (menus don’t count against the clock). But I need to mention here at the top that Spelunky scored a couple points with me while I was still setting up. Among the options, I got to choose what sorts of damsels I would like the caves populated with for me to save; traditional blond woman, ripped Chippendales dancer, googly-eyed pug dog, or random. Solid gold, Mossmouth.

But it’s time for the brass tacks to meet the road. I picked the awesome Indiana Jones character, though I was sorely tempted to take the awesome Sikh, and readied myself to go to TOWN on the caves. Ten seconds later, I had been given control of a martial artist named Yang.

Okay, so things are not as they seem. I mean, I thought I was gonna be Harrison Ford, but I am, instead, Bruce Lee. They’re both absolutely great. I am happy to be either one. But it’s just not what I was lead to believe at the start of things.

I guided Yang through a cave of convenient instructional signs and learned to jump, whip, climb, and the many other skills that would be essential to surviving this spelunking. One of the important things I learned was to not jump onto spikes.

I just wanted that ruby so badly, and eventually got it! But you might be surprised how. My partner actually figured this trick out. You have to walk right through them from the side. Oh, and she explained that to me like I’m some kind of idiot! I mean yeah, friendo! Direction-specific traps are SOOOOO common in arcade platforming! How could I not have known?!

Point is, more of the being fooled by appearances stuff in this here cave.

With a minute to go (I spent a lot of lives on trying to squeeze over the spikes and to the ruby, alright?), my good friend provided one more important lesson. When the game teaches you to bomb things, they give you serious bombs. She stood right on top of hers and found that out the restart-the-level-now way. Yes, she looked at spikes and went “well, maybe if I sort of shimmy by” but looked at a bomb, a flashing bomb, and went “oh, yeah, safe. Stand here.”

The most important thing to know about Spelunky is that it is a beautiful, beautiful game and it is lying to you. You will be Yang, not mustachioed British explorer or Indiana Jones or whoever you choose. Spikes will fuck you one way and befriend you the other. Bombs will explode and will explode you too. Point two-thirds proven. And that’s proven enough.

Happy Thoughts: Awesome experience all around, with good art, sound design, and music. Gender equality opportunities to rescue and googly-eyed pugs are very awesome too.

Sad Thoughts: Martial arts is so cool but this is a CAVE! I wanted to be Doctor Jones!

What I Bet Comes Next: You wake up! Everything in the cave was a dream, because the theme of this game is that nothing is as it appears. You’re actually stuck on an island where your plane crashed. You and the other passengers are stalked by an invisible, smoke-spewing machine. A polar bear— hm, hold up.