Skyrim

Genre: RPG

Developer: Bethesda Game Studios

Publisher: Bethesda Softworks

System: Pretty much everything.

Dedicated to Jeff Olin (no, he’s not dead).

I have never been a fan of the Elder Scrolls series and as such I have repeatedly told myself that I would not purchase this game no matter how epic the trailers made it look. Nor would I be persuaded by the wagging tongues of friends and reviewers that lauded the endless possibilities for characters in this world of magical fantasy.

So I borrowed it from a friend.

And oh my god was it boring! I was told that the beginning would be a wagon ride and an over-stimulating character creation screen and I was hoping this was a bit of a joke, that there would be something more to it. But no, it wasn’t, there wasn’t. I hated it. Review over.

Actually, review not over, because I know that there will be some fiercely loyal Skyrim fans out there who want to know why I hated it so much (or maybe there won't, but I like to hear myself talk so deal with it). I hated it for the exact reasons that I hated Morrowind oh so long ago.

First of all, the animation is awful. All of the characters move around like they have a rod up their ass. And I mean literally, not figuratively. They are stiff and move like robots. Animatronics sucked in real life, I expect better from video games these days. And I get that maybe they cut back on animation because it’s a huge open world and they need to save some computing power, but so is World of Warcraft and their animation is way more fluid AND I can play it with all of my friends. No sale.

I keep hearing all of this great stuff about the adventures you can have and the cool and exciting things you can do. I hear you can become a werewolf, which is pretty cool! Since the game prides itself on how much freedom you have maybe it will allow my newly transformed self to lick…well, myself. But did I see any of that? No! Of course I didn't! Weak, Skyrim, really fucking weak!

And the thing I’m probably most annoyed about is the intro scene. Take a look at this. Then take a look at this (you don’t have to watch all of that. I mean, the Skyrim intro is very long. Just skip to about 6 minutes and I’ll explain the rest). Now replace the Scots with the Stormcloaks and the English with the Imperial whatever-they’re-called and realize that this is pretty much a direct reskinning of the intro to Army of Darkness. Allow me to sum up both plots simultaneously for you. A group of prisoners is being lead to their deaths, at least one of whom has no association with them and is probably there for the wrong reason. One prisoner tries to make a run for it and is shot with an arrow/crossbow bolt. Heads are chopped off rather than turned into fountains of blood coming from a pit filled with horrifying monsters. The only thing that really makes these intro scenes different is the complete lack of Sam Raimi’s car (which you won’t even see in the clip I linked, but I can assure you it does appear in the movie multiple times).

And I didn’t even get to see a dragon! The game is practically built around dragons and there wasn't a single one to be fought!

Happy Thoughts: None. I have no happy thoughts for this game.

Sad Thoughts: Everything I already wrote. I mean, did you even read the Happy Thoughts? Also, no dragons. Also, also, I accidentally named my character "Player 1" because when I thought I was hitting the back button I was apparently hitting the submit your character's name button.

The Bottom Line: Look, if you’re into this sort of thing that’s your problem. Though, I hear there are people you can talk to that can help you with your addiction. But until these games find a way to make me care about what’s going on – be it through plot or actually making it seem like my axe swings are doing some kind of damage (yeah, I played a littler farther. That's how much I wanted this game to prove itself to me) – this game just isn’t for me. I give it a 10 out of who gives a shit.